So tomorrow will mark one week since I got medical help fory depression. Tomorrow I go in again and will get the results from my blood work. I’m not anxious but I am. Well, maybe anxious isn’t the right word, but I am nervous. Normally when you get blood work back you are hoping for everything to be normal and that everything checks out. I on the other hand, am hoping that they find something that will give us some insight in to my depression. I think I would be discouraged if everything came back normal and I was just ‘depressed’ with no real answers.
I will also discuss my medication with my midwife. Tomorrow also marks a week that I have been on antidepressants. So far I have had a positive experience. I am definitely feeling better. My stress is going down, I am slower to anger, I am feeling happier and starting to enjoy things again. I am still struggling with sleep. I can lay in bed for hours before falling asleep and with a baby that still wakes frequently in the night, this is very hard. I also still have a really hard time focusing. I seem to have moments that ‘disappear’. For example, I can be having a conversation with someone and at some point in that conversation, I completely zone out to the point that I have no recollection of what was said. I see the person talking, their lips moving, but I hear nothing and don’t remember what was said, if that makes sense. Maybe that has nothing to do with depression itself, it could be that it’s just a coping mechanism I have developed over time to manage stress and anxiety, but again, I don’t know. And while I am am slower to anger, when I finally do hit that breaking point, there’s not a lot of variation in the emotion, it’s still pretty intense. All things that I will bring up tomorrow.
I have been sharing my experience and struggle with depression this past week and I think there’s a lot of ‘baggage’ that comes with depression. People don’t really talk about depression, or at least very few do. People seem much more willing to talk about cancer or some other sickness than discuss ‘mental illness’. Maybe I just haven’t known enough people who have had depression, but I am finding it encouraging to share my struggle with it. First off, it’s sort of therapeutic. But it also lets people know how they can pray for me, they can ask me how I’m doing, but be specific so that I am actually forced to give a real answer instead of “I’m fine.” I think being open to sharing helps others too. If my being brave and saying, “I’m depressed” gives someone else the courage to seek help, then that’s a great thing! Being depressed sucks, being depressed and alone really sucks. I was alone in my struggle for a long time, it wasn’t good and I certainly didn’t benefit from it.
Tonight I shared with my City Group. It wasn’t hard to share content wise, oh but how I hate being the center of attention! I’m proud of myself though. I told everyone there and got through it with out crying too much. And I was able to explain it and make sense! Normally I get so nervous I think I end up babbling. I am so grateful for the people that God has placed in my life. I have some amazing friends. It was encouraging to be able to share and then be prayed for and know that these people love and support me. I’m so very grateful.
Anyways, this was supposed to just be a quick update and it’s become a lot longer than I planned. Tomorrow I will know more and then I can give a more detailed update. Until then, thank you to everyone who has reached out. It has meant a lot to have your support and encouragement.