These past 2 years have been hard. For the first time in a long time, I feel as though I have given up and really felt myself sink into a more selfish form of suffering, if there is such a thing, and just sat in my anger and resentment. I felt justified in my bitterness and self pity. Don’t get me wrong, my journey the past two years trough pregnancy and becoming a mother have been filled with amazement and joy, but my bitterness is always nipping at my heels.
Lately, the weight of this has become so unbearable, I feel as though I might finally sink beneath the surface. In all this, despite knowing it to be untrue, this has given me a sense of control. Control over situations, my relationships with others and how I want them to see me and ultimately, how much of God I am willing to let in. That last one. That’s the biggest lie of all; that I could actually control how much of God I get when he’s ALWAYS there and threatening to blow this wide open. He’s there, hand outstretched and all I have ever needed to do was just reach out and hold on, but every time I’ve heard him call my name, I sink beneath the surface, feeling safer and less exposed in my own darkness. The lover of my soul is persistent. He who values me more than I could possibly imagine, who calls me beloved despite everything, has been patiently and did I mention PERSISTENTLY, pursuing and drawing near TO ME.
I finally surface for air, reach out, my fingers just brushing His.
There’s still pain and fear. There’s a part of me that’s trying to hold on to every negative thought and feeling, as if it gives me the upper hand in this. It’s been wearing me thinner and thinner, still eating at me. Through all of this, things have been coming up, things about myself that I had so long suppressed, that I had forgotten them. Things from my past that I have not ever dealt with, things that have affected my reactions and behaviors to things in the present. These walls that I had built around myself are crumbling, letting in light and showing me just how broken and devastated I am.
There is a quote by C. S. Lewis that reads as follows:
Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of – throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.
Two and half years ago, I did think that I was just a work in progress. A ‘decent little cottage’ with ‘repairs’ (or, rather, refining points) here and there. But God wants something better. What I want is not good enough. What God wants is something magnificent and I just need to trust that He’s got it right and this is best. I want to.
I don’t think that I have ever felt so timid in my faith as I do now. So uncertain.
The more God has pressed into me, the more I find myself giving in to Him. Every time I have pushed, He’s pushed back, relentless. The more worn down I become, the more I feel myself being won over to Him. To be honest, I have started to feel peace in this. Finally.
This morning in worship, I very much felt a physical lightness. This weight that I have been carrying is lifting. I felt genuine joy this morning, for the first time in a while, I have found comfort in God.
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger