The end of 2016

I hoped and prayed that 2016 would be kinder and gentler than 2015, which ended with me feeling worn and like I needed to come up for air. Grady was the high point of 2015, my breathe of fresh air despite all the drama that was his birth and first few weeks of life. However, 2016 wasn’t any better. In fact, I think it has been more difficult. It’s been full of stress and anxiety. Norah’s autism diagnosis was in January. Hard to believe that it’s been a year since then. Probably because we’ve been up to our eyeballs in therapies prior to a diagnosis and now….my head hurts thinking about it. 2017 is certainly going to be just as busy if not more so. The wound still feels new though. Just when I feel like I’ve settled, the cycle of grief starts over. Maybe it’s during a particularly rough patch with Norah or despite all the gains Norah has had we see where she is still delayed. Maybe it’s seeing other parents with their typically developing children and how different Norah is that sends me over the edge again. I feel like I’m drowning. I have to keep reminding myself of the beautiful moments from this year otherwise I can’t function. I’m tired of being overwhelmed. I’m tired of being angry, because if I am totally honest, I am angry. Really angry. I am finally not in denial about it anymore. God has been gracious in casting light in that area and revealing it for what it is. I’m angry at life, at autism, at everything and everyone. Im angry at myself for being angry. I’m angry at God. I don’t want to be this way. It ruins everything. It keeps me from enjoying Norah and Grady. I’m constantly worried about Grady’s development. He seems typical now, but what if he regresses? If I let myself enjoy watching him grow, what happens if it goes away? If I hold back, maybe the pain and disappointment will be less if he does regress. I feel like I am in the lowest valley. 2016, there aren’t appropriate adjectives for you, but I am tenderly holding onto hope that 2017 will be better. I am letting go. Maybe 2017 won’t be easier, but I am praying that I might be changed. That my perspective and response would be dictated less by the gamut of my emotions and centered on God and his loving kindness. That God would take my anger away and heal my bruised and tender heart. “Behold, blessed is the one whom God reproves; therefore despise not the discipline of the Almighty. For he wounds, but he binds up; he shatters, but his hands heal.” – Job 5:17-18

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One thought on “The end of 2016

  1. I can see that I am not the only one who has had a rough year.All I can tell you is that all things work out for good for those that love the Lord those who have been called according to His purpose.It will get better.

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