2-24-17

Sometimes, life just seems unfair and I hate it. I hate that I even feel that way. I’m angry and I’m angry that I’m angry. I feel guilty about it. I should just be thankful. Take the hand I’ve been dealt and accept it and move on. Things could always be worse. And I know I am blessed. For as much suffering as we’ve been through, we have been given much. I’m not so blinded by anger and self pity that I don’t see how gracious God has been with us. It just really sucks to have to walk down THIS path of suffering. Parenting is hard. I both envy and hate the people that make it look easy. I see the “rose-colored” Instagram and Facebook posts. I realize people like to put their best foot forward, (I know I’m probably guilty too) but it’s just salt on the wound. I see people with more Children than me who somehow are able to pursue hobbies, run a business, beautify their homes and whatever else people are doing, and the feelings of inadequacy and honestly, jealousy are just crushing. I hate feeling that way. I hate wishing things were different. I hate when I see your Facebook posts about your conversations with your children because it hurts. I waited THREE YEARS, just to hear Norah call me mommy, how many more years before I can have a conversation with her? How long before I can ask, “Norah,how was school?” And not have her just repeat the question back to me because she does t know what I’m asking? How long before I say “I love you Norah” and she replies with “I love you mommy” instead of just repeating back to me “I love you Norah.” Everything is a fight. Every typical struggle magnified by the altered architecture of her brain. I’m exhausted. Special Pre-K program, therapies, diet modifications, vitamins and supplants, tests/lab work, and IEPs. I feel like I am constantly being thrust into the fire. I feel like I just can’t handle anymore and that makes me feel inadequate as a mother. I feel guilty because I am overwhelmed. I’m not good enough or strong enough or patient enough. I am just so burned out. People have asked me how I’m doing and in the split second it takes to respond with an I’m ok or I’m fine, I wonder, how am I suppose to even answer that? There is so much I could unload and do you really want to hear it all? I’m a mess, can’t you tell? My heart is a mess, bruised and broken and heavy. Some days are bettmer than others, but today is not one of those days. 
I am feeble and crushed; I groan because of the tumult of my heart. O Lord, all my longing is before you; my sighing is not hidden from you. My heart throbs; my strength fails me, and the light of my eyes-it also has gone from me. – Psalm 38:8-10

The end of 2016

I hoped and prayed that 2016 would be kinder and gentler than 2015, which ended with me feeling worn and like I needed to come up for air. Grady was the high point of 2015, my breathe of fresh air despite all the drama that was his birth and first few weeks of life. However, 2016 wasn’t any better. In fact, I think it has been more difficult. It’s been full of stress and anxiety. Norah’s autism diagnosis was in January. Hard to believe that it’s been a year since then. Probably because we’ve been up to our eyeballs in therapies prior to a diagnosis and now….my head hurts thinking about it. 2017 is certainly going to be just as busy if not more so. The wound still feels new though. Just when I feel like I’ve settled, the cycle of grief starts over. Maybe it’s during a particularly rough patch with Norah or despite all the gains Norah has had we see where she is still delayed. Maybe it’s seeing other parents with their typically developing children and how different Norah is that sends me over the edge again. I feel like I’m drowning. I have to keep reminding myself of the beautiful moments from this year otherwise I can’t function. I’m tired of being overwhelmed. I’m tired of being angry, because if I am totally honest, I am angry. Really angry. I am finally not in denial about it anymore. God has been gracious in casting light in that area and revealing it for what it is. I’m angry at life, at autism, at everything and everyone. Im angry at myself for being angry. I’m angry at God. I don’t want to be this way. It ruins everything. It keeps me from enjoying Norah and Grady. I’m constantly worried about Grady’s development. He seems typical now, but what if he regresses? If I let myself enjoy watching him grow, what happens if it goes away? If I hold back, maybe the pain and disappointment will be less if he does regress. I feel like I am in the lowest valley. 2016, there aren’t appropriate adjectives for you, but I am tenderly holding onto hope that 2017 will be better. I am letting go. Maybe 2017 won’t be easier, but I am praying that I might be changed. That my perspective and response would be dictated less by the gamut of my emotions and centered on God and his loving kindness. That God would take my anger away and heal my bruised and tender heart. “Behold, blessed is the one whom God reproves; therefore despise not the discipline of the Almighty. For he wounds, but he binds up; he shatters, but his hands heal.” – Job 5:17-18